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Top 10 Online Dating Red Flags

17 Aug

Hilarious guest post from Harper of! Enjoy…

Online dating is absurd. Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely addicted to it, but the things people think are acceptable to post in their profiles blow my mind.

It’s beyond the realm of human reasoning to imagine someone coming up to you at a coffee shop, skipping pleasantries and introductions, and asking you, “How many nice seafood dinners would it take to turn you into a bedroom acrobat in my house for years to come?” (This is a real OkCupid message that I received yesterday afternoon.) Thus, Red Flags are somewhat easier to spot online than in “real life.” However, for those of you who are considering online dating, here’s what to watch for:

#1 “I’ll tell you later”
The “I’ll tell you later” on has equivalents on other dating sites, such as OkCupid’s “—.” Assume the worst about anything that says “I’ll tell you later.” No one leaves “Smoker” blank if they hate cigarettes. No one leaves “Drugs” blank if they hate drugs. More importantly, if someone leaves their relationship status blank, they’re most likely in one, if not married. If they leave “children” blank, they really have 3. End of discussion.

#2 They have a terrible username
Girls: If his username is something along the lines of “JackInYourBox” has the word “cum” in it, or ends in the number 69, stop right there. I don’t care how cute he is. Even the most perverted guys I know wouldn’t stoop that low.

Guys: If her username is “Marriage_Material”, “Looking4love” or something else equally as desperate, she is delusional and going to cling to you like a boa constrictor. Don’t go for it unless you like scrapbooks and those picture booths that predict what your children will look like.

#3 They have “a great sense of humor”
If someone actually has a great sense of humor, they will use their bio space to make you laugh, not tell you how funny they are. I’ve seen hilarious profiles. They never say, “I have a great sense of humor.” They fucking prove it. Duh.

#4 They only have one picture… of their face
I don’t care if their profile info says they are “athletic and toned” – if they only have one picture, and it’s only of their face, this person is overweight. If they are not overweight, there is probably something else horrendously wrong with their body that they don’t want you to see. Either way, not worth finding out.

#5 They like “long walks on the beach”
This should be self-explanatory. Saying you “like long walks on the beach” is the biggest cliché of all time, and yet somehow like 50% of people on dating websites will say this in their bio. There is nothing wrong with walking on the beach. In my opinion, if you don’t like walking on the beach, there is something wrong with you. That being said, if you can’t think of anything more original to say in your profile, you’re probably flat, uncreative, and boring.

#6 Bathroom Pics
We all know bathroom mirror pics are lame and borderline creepy. However, consider this: if the person you’re talking to doesn’t even have one picture of themself out doing something fun with their friends, and thus had to resort to putting up 5 pictures that they took in their bathroom the same day they made their profile, they’re probably either not very fun, or don’t have any friends. Most likely both.

#7 He lists his income… and it’s really high
All I’m saying is if I made upwards of 500k a year I would leave my “income” blank for sure. This guy is either lying to get you to sleep with him, or telling the truth to get you to sleep with him. Whichever is the case, he is not to be trusted.

#8 They are wearing clothes that went out of style 20 years ago
If he or she is wearing an outfit straight out of the 90s, the other people in their pictures look like they could be the the cast of the original 90210, and the pictures were clearly scanned onto the computer rather than taken with a digital camera, this person is lying about their age by two decades or more. The fact that people think what they are doing here isn’t obvious kills me.

#9 They write like they are illiterate
Seriously, if you are too lazy to spend an extra minute or two spell-checking your profile and putting together proper sentences, you need to re-evaluate everything about your life. If your sentence lasts for like seven lines of text, it’s too long. Taaaalking likeeee thiiiis is ridiculous. “Tryna” and “plz” are not words. Read a fucking book!

#10 They have a long list of “requirements” for their potential match
You absolutely won’t date someone unless they’ve had less than 5 sexual partners, can cook, have parents who are still together, don’t drink, are blonde, etc, etc, etc for 20 lines? Guess what, the person you are describing doesn’t date people who make ridiculous lists like this. Get over yourself.

The End.

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Harper is one of the authors of a blog about two friends’ foray into the world of online dating. Follow ClickDateRepeat on Twitter – @clickdaterepeat

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19 Responses to “Top 10 Online Dating Red Flags”

  1. Jen 08/17/2011 at 11:14 PM #

    very funny!!

  2. BOB 08/17/2011 at 11:18 PM #

    HAHA i definitely LOL’d…good post!

  3. Dan 08/18/2011 at 6:33 AM #

    Nice! Good funny read.

    • Minor 08/22/2011 at 2:30 PM #

      Thanks for commenting!

  4. Mandy 08/18/2011 at 7:34 AM #

    That was funny! DUG.

    • Minor 08/22/2011 at 2:29 PM #

      Thanks for the support!

  5. Lisa 08/18/2011 at 12:22 PM #

    Hilarious, and true! These are just the kind of people that poor unfortunate souls write about on our blog. Give us a look-see if you want to read some terrible and often hysterical dating stories.

    • Minor 08/22/2011 at 2:29 PM #

      Yes for sure. Thanks for commenting! I love story time.

  6. Jim 08/18/2011 at 12:26 PM #

    Pretty accurate.

    But you forgot to include one of the most annoying things: Pictures of landscapes and/or their dogs. Like we are really there to date your dog or have a coffee with a 14er.

    Also the endless drivel of “My friends describe me as. . . .,” or “I can’t believe I’m on one of these site.” But as guys, we really don’t read the profile anyway–just sayin’.

    • Minor 08/22/2011 at 2:27 PM #

      Thanks Jim. There are so many Red Flags with online dating. I agree us guys are all image driven. More pictures please!

  7. JB 08/18/2011 at 2:09 PM #

    OMG – this is so very true, but I must say you missed two (1) obvious one, that is the profile with no picture at all, that says they are really cute and will send pics, however due to their job (yeah right) they can not post a picture. And (2) the profile that has like no description what so ever, its like 2 sentences and it starts by saying ‘I hate talking about myself so I am just filling this up to meet the minimum text…’ Nice sell job. OK, been online dating way too long!

    • Minor 08/22/2011 at 2:23 PM #

      Thanks JB for commenting. So true! Anyone with no pic or at least ‘I like to swim.” Is an auto Not Interested. Skip.

  8. Alexis 08/18/2011 at 2:28 PM #

    and don’t for get the “self-employed” or “entrepreneur” (especially when misspelled) equals unemployed

    • Minor 08/22/2011 at 2:20 PM #

      Truth! Thank you for commenting,

  9. A Thousand Dates 08/19/2011 at 5:17 PM #

    Love it.

    If I may add a couple more:

    * They describe themselves as “cheeky”
    * They only post photos of themselves wearing sunglasses
    * They want to meet you straight off the bat without any sort of banter
    * They’re aggressive in their profile about other people on the dating site: “Ladies, if you’re only looking for men above 6′, good luck princess. You’re going to end up dying alone with only your cats for company.” PSYCHO!

    • Minor 08/22/2011 at 12:52 PM #

      Yes, those are good! To add to the last one, when a girl’s ideal date height is 6′ to 8′ 11. Really ladies? They would date someone 8′ 11? Hmmm…
      Thanks for commenting,

  10. Sarra45 08/20/2011 at 5:06 AM #

    Excellent. I know we share very similar thoughts on this! My favorite bio I ever read started with

    “If ur pregnant, stop readin dis”


    • Minor 08/22/2011 at 12:46 PM #

      Thats funny, thanks for commenting!

  11. Jackie 09/12/2011 at 2:41 AM #

    **Yes, those are good! To add to the last one, when a girl’s ideal date height is 6′ to 8′ 11. Really ladies? They would date someone 8′ 11? Hmmm…**

    > This is more likely a scam. Scammers tend to generalize in order to catch more fish. Most of the red flags you posted are not solely for uninteresting people either. They are also for those no good con artists out there who try to look for a quick buck.

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