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The Enabler

3 Sep

If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for everything.

Drug abuse, sexual abuse, physical and mental abuse, lies, cheating, manipulation…these are some of the worst types of abuse that can be experienced in a relationship. Enabling someone to abuse us in one of these ways is the same as abusing ourselves.

Here are 10 reasons how and why we enable someone to hurt us…

1. Money – It’s always about money right? Women will enable men with money to treat them any way they please. As long as they can attend the exclusive parties, ride in the exotic cars and wear top designer dresses and jewelry.

These women’s virtues almost parallel those of prostitutes. Sad to say so, but money can make people do some crazy shit.

2. Denial – We never want to believe the person who says “I love you” will ever hurt us in vicious ways. And we reach a state of denial, where we begin to blame ourselves…“No, no it’s all my fault… It has to be my fault! I should’ve fucked him more and been nicer to his friends! I did this…”

3. Making excuses – I don’t care that they had a rough childhood or that they are going through a rough time at work. There is no valid excuse or reason to ever enable anyone to abuse you. The end.

4. Lack of self-confidence –This is a ‘Snow ball effect.’ The more we hold in our true feelings and take the abuse dealt by the person that’s supposed to love us, the more weaker and broken down we become. At the same time, we are making our abuser even stronger and enabling them to break us down even faster.

5. Turning the blind eye – It’s easier not to make waves and to turn the blind eye. “I don’t want to make her upset or mad so I won’t ask why her phone rang at 2am with caller ID of her ex-boyfriend”

Sometime we feel it’s much easier to never address an issue and to avoid confrontation. But you must stand up for what you believe in. If you believe it’s wrong that her ex is calling her at 2am, then you must say something and not let those feelings marinate inside you. Some confrontation and bickering in a relationship is perfectly healthy as long as you are trying to make the relationship better.

6. Feeling you deserve it – We justify a lower self worth by saying things like “I had it coming, I’m such an idiot!” … “You’re right, I will never find anyone better than you.” Apologizing even when they are not at fault. It takes a pretty low self-esteem for someone to feel deserving of a beat down for just being who they are.

This behavior is the product of both a person’s lack of confidence combined with getting punched in the face while getting ripped a new asshole about something as mundane as forgetting to wash the dishes. A vicious cycle that may end with black eyes and bruises, unless they get help, get out, and make a change for a better life.

7. Settling – At some point, everyone can reach a comfort level in a relationship and settle for what they have right in front of them. This can be the case regardless of whether or not it’s what they truly want in a relationship or in life in general.

8. The push over – The ‘push over’ puts all of these reasons into action. The ‘push over’ defines this idea of enabling someone to treat you like a piece of shit.

9. Guilt – Feeling that you deserve the abuse you’re dealt because you have cheated or keep other secrets from your boyfriend or girlfriend. These people will purposely enable getting smacked around and yelled at so that they can feel better about the mistake(s) they made. Unhealthy and fucked up! Come clean and take it from there…

10. Fear – All of the above reasons are related to FEAR. Fear of being alone, fear of never finding someone better, etc, traps us in an enabling downward spiral.

Sometimes the smartest decisions are the hardest to make. As someone who has enabled abuse in the past, I know that taking the first step in speaking up and standing up for myself was the hardest. I had to realize that my relationship was reflecting every choice I made, and it was only getting worse as I enabled it to continue. The Enabler is the person who sees Red Flag after Red Flag and for reasons listed above choses to ignore them, and continues to commit to, and be a part of the abusive relationship anyway.

The worst part of enabling someone to abuse you, is that eventually, the only way for you to learn, is to learn the hard way. You won’t know it till the damage has been done.

As shitty as it sounds, only after looking back is when we start to see how we enabled these people to abuse us. All the Red Flags we missed, overlooked or justified is why we are now picking up our pride and dignity off the floor. As we learn from our mistakes, and begin recognizing our enabling habits can we move on to be a stronger person. We must Red Flag our enabling behaviors and put an end to it. In doing so, no one will be ever to creep into our lives and take advantage and abuse us again. Stop the enabling, stop the abuse.

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