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He’s Not The One

4 Aug

RomanceRedflag101 welcomes contributing writer Holly Sidell who, among many other things, is a regular contributor to the Huffington Post, and believes that dating only sucks if we let it suck.

Somebody once told me to go into every date with a guy knowing that he’s not “the one.” This kind of pissed me off at the time…and I really resisted it. Why would I want to date anyone KNOWING there is no potential for happily ever after? Ridiculous.

But as time goes on, I’m starting to get it, and I am now using this philosophy in my dating. It takes A LOT of pressure off, and totally keeps you from Red-Flagging yourself to the person you’re dating.

When we go into dating someone not knowing what to expect, yet hoping that they’re “the one,” we begin to project. We create things that we want to see instead of actually seeing the truth of what’s right in front of us. Whether or not we realize it, we put out an air of desperation, which is a Red Flag to the person you’re dating, a huge turn off, and can instantly push them away.

Going into dating someone knowing they’re not the one creates the space for you to just enjoy the time spent together and get to know each other. It allows you to learn about him or her for who they really are, not for what you would like them to be.

Sure it’s hard when you have a date and your body is going crazy with chemistry and hormones and you think, “because of the way I feel, wow, he MUST be the one!” These feelings aren’t real. It’s all chemical. It’s hard when we are with someone and we are feeling good being with them, and think they have all the qualities we want in our “one.” Take all of this as information you can use in the future.

For example… I had a great date the other night. I truly connected to this guy on every level – spiritual, emotional/mental, and physical. But instead of immediately making up movies in my head projecting the future, seeing us walking down the aisle (which, come on, ALL of us have done at one point in our lives!), I took stock of what I liked.

I would like to be in a relationship with a guy who has some of the qualities that this guy has. I would like to be in a relationship with a guy where I feel as authentically myself and supported as I did when I was on a date with him. I can use this information going forward in my dating, noting what qualities I do and do not want in a partner. I don’t have to tie it all up and attach it to him. It’s not that HE’s the one, it’s just that he has qualities that I like and want in a man.

Assuming that someone’s the one because we feel good around them or because they have all the qualities we think we want in a partner is a Red Flag to them, and a Red Flag to yourself. You might be completely out of touch with reality.

If you liked this post, please connect with us on Facebook and Twitter! (RedFlag101 ||| Holly Sidell)

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14 Responses to “He’s Not The One”

  1. Jane 08/05/2011 at 6:58 AM #

    Very true! Good article :)

    • Holly Sidell 08/05/2011 at 2:49 PM #

      Thanks, Jane!

  2. Nicole 08/05/2011 at 7:10 AM #

    Yeah completely agree. Especially on your point to never start creating fantasies in your head too soon.

    • Holly Sidell 08/05/2011 at 1:46 PM #

      Hi, yeah, it’s crazy! We make up stories about the guy before we even know anything about him. And then when they don’t live up to the fake expectation we created, we’re disappointed.

  3. Ryan 08/05/2011 at 8:02 AM #


    • Holly Sidell 08/05/2011 at 2:52 PM #

      Sorry I bore you… you MUST not be The One ;)

  4. Katie 08/05/2011 at 9:01 AM #

    Nice! I really like how you guys are adding more female perspective to the site. Keep it coming!

  5. TheOne 08/05/2011 at 11:14 AM #

    Every girl I go on a date with lately has this problem. They all want to have my baby within 30 minutes. Not too bad of a problem to have I guess :)

    • Holly Sidell 08/05/2011 at 2:49 PM #

      Ha, nice. Lucky you ;)

  6. Michelle 08/05/2011 at 11:25 AM #

    This is good. Will check out more of Holly’s writing..

    • Holly Sidell 08/05/2011 at 2:51 PM #

      Thanks, Michelle. I write a column, “Dating Dilemmas” – check out the link. And I look forward to contributing more regularly to RedFlag101!

  7. Mandy 08/07/2011 at 5:32 AM #

    Good read..

  8. Agreed! 08/08/2011 at 10:33 AM #

    Yes I totally agree with this!

  9. Emily 08/09/2011 at 1:38 PM #

    What if it feels like he’s the one, even though he has not really any qualities I’m looking for?

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