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Divorced/Separated Parents… RED FLAG Top 10.

31 Jan

This Red Flag easily makes the All Time Top 10 Red Flag list. In today’s society of Baby Mommas and Baby Daddies and a divorce rate out of this world, it’s getting harder and harder to find a person who was raised with both their biological Mother and Father living in the same home.

Divorces are being ordered up as easily as a #1 combo at Taco Bell, making true love and commitment hard to find.  With fewer and fewer healthy role models of successful relationships the younger generations we are seeing more and more instability in couples.

As humans, we learn through example so be aware that if your own parents were not or are not together, you, yourself, are Red Flag material because you are more likely to struggle with commitment and choosing the right partners.

This Red Flag has varying levels of severity, depending on the reasons for the parental separation.  For example; a person whose parents split because of abuse, of ANY kind, will personally have greater relationship obstacles to overcome because of the trauma they may have experienced and because they, themselves, have a greater chance of becoming abusive to their own partner.

If both parties in a relationship have divorced parents, they will battle the double Red Flag baggage of their family histories. They each will have their own pain and confusion to deal with as they try to find a companion and build a successful relationship.  On the other hand; these two people may be able to better relate because they both may have a better understanding of what the other experienced with the relationship of their parents.

A relationship can be even further complicated if only one partner has separated parents.  A person who grew up with parents who were and are still happily married will struggle to truly understand their partner’s relationship baggage that comes with having separated parents.

The relationship will involve one person who has seen what it takes for two people to live and grow old loving the same person, through thick and thin. The other individual has experienced what it’s like for two people to go their separate ways and deal with the dramas of breaking up and living single life.

This couple will endure endless struggles because they each have their own definitions and beliefs about love and relationships that vary greatly because they are based off of their family experiences.  As much as they may try to relate and build a “white picket fence” story of their own, they will find that it is very difficult if their family origins differ too greatly from one another.

Love yallz…

-M


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9 Responses to “Divorced/Separated Parents… RED FLAG Top 10.”

  1. Aurora 03/10/2011 at 8:41 AM #

    I guess it makes sense to try to find someone with a similar background, so you’re able to relate to them better.

    Coming from divorced parents myself, it kind of stings a bit to know that I am considered a red flag from the get go…

    I still think this doesn’t apply if you’re an awesome,kind,intelligent, beautiful individual.

    Just sayin’!

    • Minor 03/10/2011 at 11:30 PM #

      Haha yes Sayin’,

      Don’t accept being a RED FLAG from the get go… It’s about being aware of the RED FLAGS you have. Acknowledging your divorced parents background can help you be ready for when that conversation comes up with someone you show interest in. Or your self awareness to the fact that you might have commitment issues can help you prevent pushing someone away. Think of how having separated parents can effect your own relationships.

      Great comment:)

      -M

  2. Anne 03/10/2011 at 3:27 PM #

    Going to strongly disagree with this story. You can not blame your upbringing for the person you are today! Everyone of us has a choice to make each day and we decide how “we” want to live “our” lives. Just because your parents are still together doesn’t mean they’re happy nor does it guarantee you will find a mate and stay married. If you allow your past to dictate your future then you’re a “Red Flag”.. you are not one just because your parents split. The reality is life itself is work just like relationships and you have to put effort in each day. My parents have been married for 40+ years and I’m proud of that but my husband comes from a “blended family” both of his parents remarried when he was very little (under the age of 6) and I truly believe he received a better up bringing as a result. His biological parents could not be more different and wrong for each other. However when his parents remarried they met their true “soul mates” and have been happily married for 25+ years. At the end of the day don’t buy into this BS! Live your life the way you want and don’t let the actions of others decide your future happiness.

    • Minor 03/10/2011 at 11:06 PM #

      Hi Anne… Thank you for reading. I agree with you, there are exceptions to every rule, and your example of your husband’s family background shows that. Just because this has been a Red Flag for me in the past, does not mean it is a Red Flag for everyone. And I never have or will label a person a hands down “Red Flag” just based on the fact that their parents are divorced. This is definitely not a deal breaker… It is more of a mental Red Flag that’s noted and locked away for future reference. Thanks for the comment :)

      -M

  3. NoNo 03/11/2011 at 9:34 PM #

    Hey Anne,

    Having divorced parents isn’t an automatic disqualifier because, just like you said, some parents divorce and end up finding partners who are better suited for them and their families.

    Unfortunately, some families have really bad histories and an individual is either able to step above and do better in their own relationships or they fall into the negative patterns of their childhood family life.

    I learned the hard way that some people may want a certain type of family life when they marry and have kids but have no idea how to make a truly happy home and fall into the same destructive relationship patterns as their parents. I thought I could make up for my ex boyfriends f***ed up family life by sharing my beliefs about family and trying to include him in my family but he was already damaged goods because of the way he was brought up and he resented my families’ style. It was devastating to me because I thought I was going to be the person in his life to really show him a whole new side of life but he chose to run with the lifestyle he knew. I saw the flag but chose to ignore it. In the end I realized I was wrong for thinking I could change him.

  4. Mino 08/18/2011 at 6:18 PM #

    Hey, I just discovered this site and kudos to it (this is about the 10th article I’ve read today). I disagree about this one too. I come from a broken home, and actually have used it to my benefit in seeing what people do wrong in relationships, seeing behavior that hurts and what basically NOT to do.

    So, if someone is observant, they can take other people’s misfortune and learn from it.

    • Minor 08/22/2011 at 2:18 PM #

      Yes, there are exceptions to all red flags. I’m glad to hear you used your parents separation as a learning experience and in a positive way. My main argument with this article was to come out and say, when two people come together with different definitions of love, it should be Red Flagged. My definition of love is different from someone who’s parents have been divorced or separated.
      I have seen two people be together through whatever life throws their way, how to get through bad times and good times. Love conquers all (so to speak). I will never understand what its like to have divorced parents, so when I had a relationship with a girl that had divorced parents it created a separation/disconnect between us from day one. Her definition of love did not include marriage. She actually did not know how to love, accept love, or feel ok in love. She only knew what she had grown up with, love wasn’t enough.
      When two people come together it’s important to have a compatible definitions of love.
      Thanks for commenting, I appreciate it.
      -M

  5. Yourmom 03/22/2012 at 2:38 AM #

    Alternatively, I’d look at a child of divorce being witness to the very healthy (IMO) habit of respecting yourself and being wise/proactive enough to have the courage to end something that’s just not working.

    I wouldn’t want to encourage my (hypothetical since I don’t want them) children to remain in situations that make not only them unhappy, but their partners as well.

  6. Tim 08/14/2013 at 9:35 PM #

    Actually I’d say it was the opposite – all my siblings are in LONG relationships – my two older sisters are actually half sisters since my mother divorced not once but twice!

    16 years here – for a gay relationship that’s like 40 ;-) – my oldest sister is over 27 years with her boyfriend and the other must be something like 13 or 14 in her marriage.

    Basically we looked at the messed up example our mother made in all her relationships – partners and family – and went ‘NOT That’ – sometimes seeing how it shouldn’t be done is big pointers on what NOT to do – just do the opposite and you’re set. And I think it made us all decide not to screw it up (although 2 of us avoided marriage so it might have also had that effect – but I know I realised a long time ago that a bit of paper means nothing in practice – if you’re not right together you’ll split anyway, as my mother showed).

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